Day 1-

Hello friends.

The next 12 weeks are going to be the hardest of my life. I know this isn't just for a physique change. This is a life change. This is the first real day that I am working at this and I have already broke down crying.

I was at the gym doing my lifting and everyone was staring at me. I don't mean staring at me like in my head kind of way, I mean like looking at me... wondering why I am there... and I'm sure making a mental tick mark as to how many days/weeks I will be there. I'm not going to lie, the thought crossed my mind a couple of times. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought... this is too much weight to get off me. This can't be done. I struggled though the workout and told myself I can do this. I can last more than 3 weeks.

After the workout, however, I felt as if I had be riding a horse for 10 hours straight. My legs were all wobbly (they still are) and I could barely stand. I could feel myself start to get annoyed at little things, like someone stopping to pick up their cell phone while I was driving down the parking lane. Now, don't get me wrong, even on a more stable level this is annoying, however, this was at a whole different level.

While I was picking up some items for lunch tomorrow (which I promised myself I would prepare before I went to sleep... didn't work) I stayed to the outer perimeter. Veggies and Protein. I did stray to the inner aisle, although that was to get natural peanut butter and some fat free Italian dressing. I was sticking to my gun and getting what I knew what good for me, even though all I wanted was some bread.

As I am checking out the cashier was telling me she just "knew" I could do it. I politely thanked her, but in the back of my head just assumed she was placating me. She had probably seen 100 people before me and at least 100 people after me that were just like me. What makes me different? What makes ME special? As soon as I hit the parking lot a flood of emotions that, honestly I haven't felt in a long time, just flooded out of me. I have always been perceived as cold, unemotional, even at times uncaring. I have been perceived as that as recently as this past weekend. I don't tend to share my feelings with people. My other new years resolution was to share, and trust that my friends wouldn't judge me. This resolution is still a work in process as that I called my mother. I needed to hear her say that she knew I can do this. I need my friends to say they know I can do this. This will be ongoing. I am going to get mean (I'm freaking hungry!!!) I'm going to be sad (Please don't get mad that I cry) and I'm going to need you(even if it's to "walk" with me on the phone).

As I sit here writing this, my whole body still twitching from the most movement it's seen in years, I am feeling more relaxed. It's funny how I can share this with a blog.... a blog that for the first time I will be sharing with facebook (and not just a select few), but not with people that care about me.

Please write your thoughts, words of wisdom, words of encouragement here. I will need all the help I can get because the coming weeks..... I'm in for a ride.....

**Please read the previous posts: I am a food addict. This will explain some of the issues I have with food. For example, today, my boss had Pringles, and I wanted some. Not in the "I need this to survive kind of want" but the "They look good, they are here, and I know they are tasty" kind of want. I actually survived that craving. Alexi:1 Chips:0**