So We Meet Again.

Here we are.  Over 2 years from the last time I started to write.  This is a huge year for me.  Not only do I turn 30 at the end of this year.... but all of my friends are turning 30.  I have made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to eat myself into a coma this year.  It's taken almost 2 months to finally put a plan into place... but I'm ready for it again.  I'm tired of being the friend to the guys that I meet.  I know a lot of my self defense tactics are because I don't feel like I deserve something.

I'm starting to believe that I do.  I still am not so sure that I am meant for marriage and children, however I know I'm meant to be happy.

So here we go.... I will win!

Day 63- Back by Popular Demand!!!

I know it's been almost a month since I wrote last. To say things have been stressful is an understatement. Without going into a lot of details.... it was a rough 20 days. The whole time I have been working really hard at keeping it all together, and sticking to a plan. I have a great support structure in place, but there are times that I just want this to be easy. I want to be able to get something healthy through the drive through and quickly to boot.

It's been such a rough ride. I'm so used to using food as comfort...I haven't slept in forever. Even when I get to bed early.... I lay awake thinking of the 100 things I have to do. I feel as if my life is changing again. It's true what they say "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger" I feel stronger for it. My brain just doesn't feel like cooperating sometimes. It keeps telling me.. hit that drive through... you are hungry and it's fast. Will that ever not be programmed in my head?

Many of you have been emailing, texting, just telling me that they want to hear more about this. It was incredibly draining and exposing to write this. I was starting to feel emotionally drained... and funny story... I'm starting to feel drained by not writing it. I'm working on being a better me to all of my friends. I am so used to helping my friends... some to the point I was enabling them to not have not to take accountability for themselves. Once I took that off my place recently... I feel much lighter. Soon I hope to feel even lighter in person. I'm down about 40ish give or take pounds now. I need to get more off obviously... .but I'm getting there. I knew this wouldn't happen overnight... even though I secretly hoped it would.

I will be in Savannah in about 14 days!!! I can't wait.. I get to see some really amazing people... and NOT eat any of the food.... good luck right?

Day 33- Superbowl

This was a hard day. This is the day you are supposed to have chicken wings, chips, dip, beer, and all of the other nasty food you can think of. It doesn't feel right being on a diet during the superbowl.

Diet. I shouldn't even say that word. Sometimes it's hard to get in my head that it's not really a diet. I need to use what I am learning for the rest of my life. When I get that in my head one day of pigging out won't be as serious as it would be now. Hell I would probably eat less. One of my friends even suggested not saying that I lost weight... Instead say I got rid of it... Saying you lost something implies that you could find it again... I NEVER want to find it again.

I did a weigh in today... and no weight lost... no weight gain. I mean... no weight gotten rid of. The plus side is that I didn't put anything on. I'm going to stick with that. I have figured out something that could be causing this.... and am currently working on a solution. I don't want to go into gory details.. but it will be fixed.

I may start not writing every day. I feel like this blog is getting mundane and uninteresting. If I have something to say or just want to do a little shout out I will. I want to keep you all interested and keep you all motivated to live your life and to move forward. I still have my battles, some not even with food. I want this to be fun and motivational.... I don't want to make this a chore. I love you all and all the support that I have been getting. Please feel free to email me or text...whatever you need.

Thank you all for reading and I will be sure to post soon!

Day 32- I'm up way to late

I am up way too late. I should have been in bed... but instead I went out with some great friends I haven't seen in a while. They said I looked great... and that you can really tell how much I have lost.

This makes me want to continue going. My clothes are fitting differently... people are even looking at me differently. I can't wait until I am at my ideal weight and size... I know I can take over the world. Hopefully some of you will get the Pinky and the Brain reference... if not.. look up Pinky and the Brain.

I know this is a very short post... but I'm tired and must to to sleep. Till tomorrow kids!

Day 31- Helpless

I'm running out of things to write about it. We all know that I used to have an issue with food... and in most aspects still do. I still have cravings. Still want things I don't need.... but I know that I now officially have the strength to say no. I keep fighting the urges to eat things I know are better for me.... but I'm afraid I'm going to snap. I thought that this would get easier... but I guess it never really does. I have to constantly think "Do I really want this?" I walked away from a sandwich today.

It's been quite a week. Lots of gym time as always.... But more importantly some of my friends have been going through a lot. I don't want to go into detail as that it's not my story to tell. I don't know how to help one of them though. They are really great people, but I know that they don't really think that way about themselves. I really wish I knew what to do. I am on a mission to help myself... and I just feel hopeless not knowing how to help them.

I digress. It's a matter of helping myself. Who knows? Maybe by helping myself he will be helped too.

Day 30- One MONTH down... 2 more to go!

Wow. So far so good right? I have had my ups and my downs... but I think tonight was a big turning point for me.... I went to a Zumba class. It was fantastic. I mean really fantastic. I had so much fun! I can't wait for the next one. I am thinking about a hip hop class too. It's a fun way to work out as opposed to the dreaded treadmill which as I have said before was invented by a masochist. I love to dance. I used to dance when I was younger. Now this makes working out fun... and I think I found a stress reliever! ]

I am starting to feel like my old self again. The way I felt back in 8th grade. It seems like forever ago, but I think that was the last time I knew who I was. I know that sounds crazy as that I was only about 12 at the time... but sometimes you just know. I remember my 8th grade trip to Washington DC like it was yesterday. I remember my first crush. I remember when he sat next to me on the bus while we were on our way to another museum. I was in heaven. I feel like that now... only I feel that way when I look at myself. For a very long time I thought I had to be the funny one... or the one that "fixed" everything. My friends love me for who I am... and now that I finally get to share the real me with them...I think they respect me too.

The next 2 months I will still be in hardcore mode... bear with me friends.... I will be a little less hardcore soon.

Day 29-Exhaustion and pain

I'm tired. Like really really really tired. It seems like no matter what time I go to bed the time flies by and I'm already up and at the gym. I have so much to do during the day that I never have time to do the things I want.

I wish I were in New York with some of my friends. I would love to see the city again, especially to experience it through someone's eyes that hasn't seen it. I crave being near an epicenter of art. I love museums and walking around parks. I crave my camera in my hand.

I need to find a good way to release stress so that I can calm down and maybe get a good nights sleep. I have been trying to help a friend that has been in need.... I feel for them. I have to tell them however that I am finally looking out for me and if they were really my friend they would understand.

I'm going to attempt some sleep tonight... but I have a ton to do on my day off tomorrow!