When I was in middle school I wasn't fat. I was just bigger. I remember a girl telling me that I was fat because I didn't fit into the stereotype of the "small girls." At that point in my life I was almost 5'7" tall, taller than most people in my class. I was a size 9... a size I would kill to be today. I was still playing soccer and softball. I took what that girl said straight to my core. I literally stopped eating. I would not eat breakfast. For lunch I would have one cookie and a Maui Lai fruit drink. At dinner... I just would push food around my plate and lie to my parents that I wasn't feeling well or that I had a big lunch. In about two weeks I lost almost 20 pounds and my 120 lb frame was then a shocking 102 lbs. I went from a size 9 to a size 2 in 2 weeks. All I was doing was not eating and playing soccer and riding bikes, etc. I have looked at pictures from when I was so thin I hated myself for letting someone take such hold of me. I remember that at my 8th grade graduation the dress that I got was a size 2 that was too big. I had to go return it and get a 0! In pictures it looks like I can't hold my head up!
After 8th grade I moved to Florida. I moved away from somewhere that I considered home. That took a big toll on my self esteem. I had to make new friends, and what's worse I had to make all new friends right after a foul ball slammed into my face. Not only did I look like an abuse victim, but I couldn't play soccer, roller blade, bike ride, or even swim because of it. I turned to food to fill the void of everything that was going on. It was like clockwork.... every 2 hours I would have to eat. I replaced a cookie and a Maui Lai drink with a large order of French fries and ranch at lunch and second helpings at dinner. I started to gain weight and by the next summer I was at a size 12. I looked what some people say is "normal" but I was miserable again. I continued to eat and late that summer.... moved again.
After the move to Atlanta, I continued to eat and "mask" my pain with food. I still wasn't playing any sports or going out half as much and I started to expand. By my high school graduation I was a size 16, a far cry from the size 0 I was just 4 years earlier. I have tried to calm my cravings and my emotions with eating, but I just couldn't suppress how much I didn't like myself.
During college, I gained even more weight and went up to a size 18 then 20. I look at pictures now and think, how could I have let this happen? And all the while, stuffing my face still. In early 2008 my grandmother came to me and told me she wanted to go on a cruise, and she would like a companion to come with her. The way I can go was for me to lose weight and get healthy again. I worked very hard at eating well and going to the gym, and I did lose some weight. My fight with food was still there. I found myself sneaking chips or ice cream when no one was looking because if no one saw, it didn't happen. I got myself back to a size 16. After the cruise however, my gym schedule ceased and so did my eating habits. I am now the heaviest I have ever been. I have always said to people "I only need to lose (40,50,60,70) pounds. It's not triple digits so I'm ok" Well my friends, I have hit the "I need to lose 100 pounds mark"
I was watching Oprah today of one of her shows from a couple of weeks ago I have been trying to avoid. It's the show of why she will never diet again. Diet is a scary 4 letter word that doesn't help you fight the addiction to food. It enables it. No, you CAN'T have that cake. Well I WANT that cake. I WANT that French fry. Of course by want I mean, I have this gaping hole to fill and I think that will fix it. I have had some very stressful last couple of days and right when I came home I ate.... and ate.... and ate some more. I wasn't even hungry. I just kept eating because I was bored and alone. This spilled over to tonight as well. I went and got myself a big fat greasy Whopper and French fries. I gorged myself on that and then went for some easy mac. That's when I started watching Oprah. I had some candy in my purse that someone gave me today and for the first time ever.... I just threw it out.
What needs to happen is I need to fix me. All I know is to be alone. All I know is to not have a date on Friday night. This is no ones fault but my own. It's finally time for me to take charge of me.
You need to know that you have friends who love you and hate to see you so unhappy! If you have problems CALL US! Hell, if you want, we can get you a subscription to Cooking Light magazine. They have easy recipes and usually recipes that are a lighter version of something you're used to eating (and they taste good, too!) What you need to do is cook for yourself instead of going out. That way you can know what you're putting in your mouth and track what you're eating better. Plus leftovers can be lunch the next day. This will help you learn to eat better, and on top of it all, save you money! Trust me, its worth it.
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